


Anything Goose in Love and War

by sagansjagger



Category: Miraculous Ladybug, Untitled Goose Game (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Untitled Goose Game Fusion, Comedy, Comedy of Errors, Crack, Don't Have to Know Untitled Goose Game, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, Horrible Goose (Untitled Goose Game), Humor, Untitled Goose Game References
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-27
Updated: 2020-06-27
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:21:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24936706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sagansjagger/pseuds/sagansjagger
Summary: Chat has a problem.A red, black-spotted problem.Specifically, a Ladybug-themed thong problem.Even more specifically, the problem is that a demon bird has stolen his Ladybug-themed thong, and Chat can't get it back without his partner's help.Chathatesgeese.
Relationships: Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir & Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug, Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir/Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug
Comments: 43
Kudos: 85





	Anything Goose in Love and War

**Author's Note:**

  * For [leonardo1123581321](https://archiveofourown.org/users/leonardo1123581321/gifts), [Rikkapikasnikka](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rikkapikasnikka/gifts).



Waiting for Ladybug was torture, especially while sneezing as much as Chat had been. He'd sent her a message over an hour ago, and was obsessively watching the ladybug location tracker on his baton as she crossed the city towards his position.

The little demon was in his sights, still holding the cursed object. All Chat had to do was vault down to the park below and snatch back what was rightfully his and had been stolen from him. 

But the goose was clever, and Chat was allergic to feathers. He couldn't do this without help.

Hence waiting for the only person he could trust with such a… sensitive matter: Ladybug.

He didn't have to admit the red, black-spotted thong was his.

"Guh," Chat said, wiping snot on the back of his wrist. Plagg wouldn't appreciate that, Chat was sure, but his nose was like Niagara Falls, and surely his kwami would forgive him for needing to wipe the stupid thing.

His feline ears flicked, catching the sound of Ladybug's yo-yo cable wrapping around nearby buildings. He shut his baton and glanced up to catch her dramatic entrance.

"Chat!" she said as she landed on his rooftop. "Where's the akuma?" 

Chat gave her a long sniff in response. His eyes were watering and itchy, and he resisted the urge to claw at them. "No akuma, my Lady. Thanks for coming."

She turned away from him, cocking her hip and scanning the city, one hand shielding her eyes from the noontime sun. "Then what's the problem? You made it sound like there was a problem."

"That," Chat said, pointing down into the park.

"Innocent children?"

"Noooo," Chat said, and sneezed again. He pointed at the seemingly non-threatening animal. " _That._ The goose."

Ladybug narrowed her eyes. "What about the goose?"

Chat let a rumble of annoyance pass from his lips. "What's in its mouth, Bugaboo?"

"I thought I told you to sto--oh. Oh, my gosh," Ladybug said, her eyes as wide as saucers. She rounded on Chat. "Don't tell me those are yours."

Chat gulped snot. "I thought they were yours?"

She shook her head. "Whose are they, Kitty?"

"Not mine, that's for sure!"

"Chat Gerald Noir," Ladybug said, advancing on him and pointing a finger in his face. "If you don't tell me who that Ladybug thong belongs to right now, I'll leave you by yourself to deal with--"

"They're Adrien Agreste's!" 

_Oh,_ Chat thought. _Oh, crap._

He'd panicked. He opened his mouth to contradict himself, but that was not what came out. 

"Yeah, they're totally Adrien's, and he lost them when the goose flew into his bedroom because he opened the window when he was _really hot_ and dying of sweat, because he gets really sweaty, you know, being a model, and he got in a cock fight with the bird except it’d be a goose fight, because that’s, you know, a goose, and that monster totally stole that Ladybug thong while he was looking at them--for no reason, because of course he’s not a pervert--and he asked me to go get them for him because I’m a superhero and I’m totally trustworthy when it comes to sensitive stuff like this, just like you, hahahaha!”

_ Fffffffff-- _

“Oh,” she said. And that was all she said.

He’d expected Ladybug to be horrified. But that was not the expression he saw on her face. She was embarrassed, certainly, that emotion was clearly present, but she also looked… intrigued?

A faint hope trickled into his brain. Then he sneezed again. She swallowed.

“I guess we’d better go get them, huh?” Ladybug said, pink dusting her cheeks. She turned to the edge of the roof facing the park and wrapped her yo-yo wire around a streetlight.

Chat extended his baton and followed her.

Ladybug landed in front of the goose, and retracted her yo-yo line. She tapped her weapon against her palm. “This shouldn’t be a problem. It’s just a goose, right?”

“It’s a demon,” Chat said, snorting as he replaced his baton on his back. Then he smiled a little. “It led me on a wild goose chase.”

The goose honked without dropping the underwear, a muscle in its throat twitching. 

Ladybug groaned. “It really must have given you the runaround if you are just now throwing puns.”

“No goose deed goes unpunished,” Chat said, sniffling. He gave into the temptation to rub his eyes, and scrubbed them with the heels of his hands. “Guh. I hate being allergic to feathers.”

“Okay,” Ladybug said, crouching a little. “On three.”

Chat tensed his thighs to pounce, rounding his shoulders and holding his hands out.

“One... two… three!”

The two superheroes launched themselves at the white bird. In a startling move of gracelessness, Chat overestimated how much he’d need to leap. He cracked heads with Ladybug and pulled back immediately, landing back on his butt. She grabbed onto the goose’s neck, but the bird freaked out, honking and flapping its wings. 

Chat watched helplessly as it dragged her across the grass, staining her suit. Then the goose whipped around and jabbed its orange beak into Ladybug’s cheek. She shrieked and let go. “It bit me!”

“Duh!” Chat said, scrambling back to a standing position as the goose ran across the park. “That’s what it does! It’s getting away!”

“Catch it!” Ladybug said, rolling back to her feet and staggering after the evil bird.

Chat sneezed and leapt at the animal again, ending up with a face full of feathers. He felt one slide down his throat, and choked, wondering why the heck he’d opened his mouth. The goose slipped away from him as his throat seized in a coughing fit, curling up on his side in the dirt. Eyes screwed shut to stem the flow of tears, all he could sense was the sound of a scuffle, followed by Ladybug cursing and the goose squawking.

“Chat!” she said, and he felt a heavy hand land on his shoulder. “Are you okay?”

Chat answered with a nod. He was not all right, but he wasn’t about to let this savage beast best him _again_.

“Then stand up! We have to catch the stupid animal!” Ladybug cried. “It got my yo-yo!”

Chat reached a clawed hand inside his mouth, down his throat, and tore the feather out. He gasped for air and opened his eyes to see his Lady’s red, pissed off face staring down at him. 

“I’m fine, thanks,” he grumbled, and clambered to his feet again. 

“Chat…”

The goose was running at full tilt away from them, yo-yo wrapped around its neck and thong still firmly held in its beak. Children shrieked and dodged the flailing animal. Chat bounded into action, his powerful legs chewing up the distance between him and his objective, Ladybug hustling behind.

He jumped at the goose again, trying to grapple it, and was beat in the face by a wing for his troubles. But he wasn’t about to let go. Ladybug grabbed on to his waist, pulling back on his hips so his legs were in the air and his hips parallel to the ground.

Then the goose slithered away from him, and he fell, landing on his elbows on the sidewalk. Ladybug tripped, and fell on top of him, squeezing the air out of him.

“Owww!” he said, pushing his partner off. Normally he would be thrilled to be topped by Ladybug, but this situation was anything but normal. Chat stood once more, rubbing his sore arms.

Back on their feet, the two superheroes faced the threat. 

The goose stared them down.

Then the worst possible thing that could have happened, happened.

“Chat!” Ladybug screamed, pointing. “An akuma!”

“No!” Chat said, flailing. “Not now!”

“I can’t purify it without my yo-yo!”

To Chat’s horror, the purple butterfly headed straight for the goose. The akuma landed on the underwear, and a pink moth mask overtook the bird’s features.

“What?” said Chat.

“What?” said Ladybug.

“Honk!” said the goose.

The two superheroes watched helplessly as purple bubbles covered its frame, leaving behind…

A goose.

“There’s no change?” Chat said, cocking his head at the unaltered animal.

“Huh,” Ladybug said, blinking at the newly-akumatized bird. “I guess you really can’t make these any worse.”

“Honk!” said the goose, and took off towards the street.

“The show must goose on!” Chat said, galvinizing his legs into action.

“Chat!” Ladybug said, bolting after the bird. “I can’t summon a Lucky Charm to defeat it without getting my yo-yo back! You’ll have to defeat it with your Cataclysm!”

“I can’t kill it!” Chat said, eyes wide as he glanced at his partner.

That lapse in attention was enough for the goose to flap it’s muscular wings and fly up onto a roof.

Chat and Ladybug groaned.

Chat extended his baton, and opened his arm to Ladybug. She stepped closer to him, and wrapped her arms around his neck. Her body molded perfectly to his. His heart pounded at her proximity, and certain areas of his suit were getting tight. 

Meanwhile, the goose was getting away. _Focus, Chat!_

He carried her onto the roof, and they took off running after the akuma. 

Ladybug huffed, pumping her arms. “We can’t try to capture it on the roof. If I fall off, you’d have to come get me, and we’d lose the bird.”

“Don’t feel _down_ , my Lady!” Chat said, grinning despite the terrible situation. He sneezed again. “We’ll just have to take a _gander_!”

“Chat!” Ladybug said, wrinkling her nose at him. Then she turned her face back to the goose, which had flown across the street to another building. “Carry me!”

She tackled him, and only his supersuit-enhanced reflexes kept him from being knocked off his feet. He grabbed her, heat flooding his face when his hand brushed her breast, and vaulted them over to the other rooftop.

Ladybug wasted no time chasing the bird down. Chat followed, trying not to focus on admiring her beautiful body and the way certain parts of her bounced as she ran. 

On the hunt, they leapt over buildings and streets, pursuing their quarry until the sun cast an orange glow over the Seine. Eventually, Chat began to wheeze. It took a lot for Chat to be tired in the supersuit, but he’d fought this bird all day, and had nothing but grass stains and embarrassment to show for it.

Then a thought struck him.

“My Lady!” Chat said, panting in his exhaustion. She seemed to fare no better. “Want to hear _migrate_ idea?”

Ladybug looked so mad, she seemed like she wanted to spit. “What is it, Chat?”

“If we can herd it onto the street, I can Cataclysm a building on top of it!” 

Ladybug’s eyes lit up. “That’s a great idea, Kitty!”

“I told you it was,” Chat said, sniffling. From allergies, not hurt feelings, or so he told himself. “In a pun, too.”

“And it was very funny, but as I’ve told you before,” she said, bounding over a building, “you have no sense of comedic timing!”

The goose honked.

Ladybug giggled. “It agrees with me!”

“No, it does not,” Chat said, sulking. He’d fold his arms, but they had yet to stop running, and he didn’t want to let the demon bird get away.

In a stunning reversal of normal events, where he was the one following her, Ladybug executed his plan brilliantly. She stopped to crouch within touching distance of the goose, and with one impressive bound, landed on the other side of it, waving her arms. Chat closed the distance, and forced the goose to veer off the edge of the roof.

The two superheroes’ feet slammed into the street, and they were off running again. This time, they strategically herded the goose towards the shops--specifically, the brick buildings. 

The goose finally, finally stopped, backing up to a florist’s shop.

“Cataclysm!” Chat called. Never before had the rush of magical power filling his hand been so satisfying. He vaulted himself over to the building and dragged his hand across the brickwork. 

But Chat may have been a little too enthusiastic to trap the jerk.

The edge of the building, including the part holding up the giant sign marking the shop as “Romeo’s Flowers,” collapsed, falling onto both the goose and Chat.

***

Chat blinked, waking up with a massive headache and stars in his eyes. He dimly heard Ladybug calling his name through the dust and rubble that surrounded him. With his super strength, he clawed his way out of the debris, only to see a tearful Ladybug hauling parts of the wreckage away from his position.

Ladybug dropped the concrete with rebar sticking out of it and tackled him again. She cupped the back of his sore head and rested her forehead on his shoulder. His hands came up to rest on her waist.

“You’re okay,” she said, her voice soft and broken and for his ears only.

“For a certain definition of okay,” he said, grimacing. “Where’s the devil bird?”

Ladybug pulled back from him, pain and disgust written clear on her face. A stone dropped into his belly. _I… I killed it?_

“It’s fine,” Ladybug said, her voice bordering on a growl. She pointed to the remains of the flower shop. “Look.”

Chat turned his head too quickly--which hurt and made him dizzy, so he chastised himself--and scoffed. The bird was trapped in the rubble, its head and neck poking out from a pile of bricks. It still had his underwear in its mouth and Ladybug’s yo-yo wrapped around his neck.

Chat snarled at the goose. It honked back.

Ladybug let him go and stomped over to the goose. She grabbed the black-spotted thong and pulled--but the animal’s grip on it was too strong. It whipped its head back, and the underwear tore.

“Nooooo!” Chat said, horrified. 

Then the akuma fluttered out.

“Oh,” Chat said, rubbing the back of his head--and finding a tender spot. “Right.”

Ladybug gave him a look while unwinding her yo-yo. “Miraculous Cure, Chat.”

“Ohhh,” Chat said again, drawing out the h. “Right.” He took the scrap of underwear from her, and she didn’t complain or even blush.

She quickly purified the akuma with an exhausted, “bye bye, little butterfly,” and summoned her Lucky Charm. She received a towel.

“Wait,” Chat said, setting his hand on hers before she threw the towel up into the air. “Should we have animal control come get it before we repair the building and allow the goose to escape?” 

“It’s a wild animal, Chat,” Ladybug said, looking as weary as he felt. “And I think it has earned its freedom, don’t you?”

“Fair,” Chat said, releasing her to fold her arms. His head pounded, aggravating him more than he thought was necessary. “But I still think this is _fowl_ play.”

She gave him another look, but then threw the Lucky Charm into the air. “Miraculous Ladybug!” 

Her millions of tiny helpers repaired the building and Chat’s head, to which he was grateful. He was also grateful for the thong being repaired, but he wasn’t about to thank Ladybug for that. 

Chat and Ladybug stared at the goose.   


The goose stared at them.

“Honk!” it said, and waddled off, wholly innocent and uncaring of their opinions.

“Okay, Chat,” Ladybug said, holding a hand out. “Hand over the underwear.”

“What?” Chat said, blinking stupidly at her. “What do you--”

“Your ring, Chat!” Ladybug said, pointing to his hand. “You only have a couple of pads left!”

He glanced down at his finger, only to see the second to last pad blinking out. The ring--or Plagg, he supposed--chirped at him. “Oh,” he said, and glanced up at his partner with growing terror. “B-But you can’t take them to Adrien Agreste! He’d die!”

“Of what?”

“E-Embarrassment?” Chat squeaked.

“You have to go, Chat,” Ladybug said, making a ‘gimmie’ motion with her hand. “Just hand them over.”

Chat reluctantly passed them to her, wracking his brain to figure out how he was going to get home before her. “Do you even know where Adrien lives?”

“I do,” Ladybug said, unwinding her yo-yo from her waist and preparing to throw the weapon.

“Wait!” Chat said, holding up his hands. “You’d better… Uh… Check on the flower shop owner! You know, Romeo?”

Ladybug blinked at him. “That’s true,” she said, and replaced her yo-yo. “But you get gone, okay?” She patted Chat’s shoulder. “Scat, cat.”

Relieved, Chat took his baton from his back and sped home as fast as superhumanly possible.

The green transformation light washed over him just as he landed in his room. 

“Cheeeeese,” Plagg whined. 

“Not now, Plagg!” Adrien said, panic closing his throat. At least, he was pretty sure it was panic and not allergies, though he had plenty of that left over as well. He paced in the room, his hands digging into his hair and gripping the sides of his head. “She’s coming! Oh, my gosh, she’s coming _here_ and she knows that I own those and I’m so unprepared and she’s coming to give me my--”

“Adrien?” Ladybug said. He whirled around. She blinked at him from her crouched position in the window. The damning underwear was clenched in her gloved hand. “Who are you talking to?”

“Uhhh,” Adrien said eloquently. He sneezed, which jump-started his brain. “Myself! Of course I was talking to myself, we all talk to ourselves, right? I mean of course you probably don’t because you’re smart and kind and compassionate and stubborn and _absolutely infuriating_ \--hahaha, I’m going on again, sorry!”

“Um,” Ladybug said, coming down from the window and shifting on her feet. Her face was cherry-red, which clashed with her suit. “Yeah, so… um.”

_Is she… nervous?_ Adrien thought, hope curling behind his breastbone. _Why?_

She thrust the thong out to him. On reflex, his fingers closed over hers, and he jerked them back, taking the underwear with them. “Thank you,” he said, the polite response ingrained in him from years of being told to act appropriately.

“You’re welcome,” she said, biting her lip. He wished she’d stop; that looked painful. “So, um.”

“Um,” Adrien agreed.

“So these are yours? Why--”

“They’re really comfortable!” Adrien blurted, and nearly choked on the resulting blush. “Oh, gosh, no, I didn’t mean that, I meant--”

Her response was so quiet, he had to strain his ears to hear. “I’d like to see you in them,” she said shyly, looking at him from under her lashes. Then she seemed to realize what she said, and glanced up with a terrified look on her face. “I mean--no! Oh, gosh, no, I didn’t mean that, I meant--”

Adrien’s brain leaked out his ears. He was officially dead, had died and gone to heaven. “I, uh, could model them for you?” he said plaintively, a peace offering. Her eyes widened further than he thought possible.

Her earrings chirped, saving them both. “Okay, gotta go, I mean, I’ve gotta bug out, I mean I totally have to jet, I mean I need to vamoose, I mean--Oh, gosh, I have to leave! Bye, Adrien Arrest! I meant Agreste!”

She zipped out of the window, leaving him spellbound. He had raised a hand to wave, and left it hanging there, his jaw dropped.

Then he sneezed again. 

“Stupid goose,” he said, wiping his runny nose on the back of his wrist. “If I ever see a goose again, it’ll be too soon."

**Author's Note:**

> This was fun, wasn't it? But the fic was based on an image [Rikka](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rikkapikasnikka/pseuds/Rikkapikasnikka) linked me, found [here on Twitter](https://twitter.com/Sweetiedraws/status/1180200824523411456/photo/3). Go check out the artist's other work!
> 
> \---
> 
> Are you interested in reading or writing fanfiction? Are you looking for a community of like-minded and supportive people? Then join the [Miraculous Fanworks](https://discord.gg/mlfanworks) Discord server! 
> 
> We are always welcoming new members, and would love to see you. We offer a variety of conversations, from fic discussions to writing support to fanfiction prompts. We even have monthly server-wide events and group writing projects! 
> 
> Come join today!


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